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171 печ. страниц
2019 год

Funny fantasy
StaVle Zosimov Wisewordski

© StaVle Zosimov Wisewordski, 2019

ISBN 978-5-0050-7745-5

Created with Ridero smart publishing system

P.s.: + AS A GIFT download free audio book “SOVIET MUTANTS” (BURP TOOTHY FROG) from the link:



apulase first

bald sparrow

Far – far on the border of the former USSR (now Kazakhstan) and China, in the south-east of the Semipalatinsk region, near the city of Ayaguz, translated as “Oh bull”, there was a nuclear testing ground with an infected radioactive atmosphere obtained from the negligence of drunken working scientists. Throughout the environment, different mutations often began to occur, different mutations: then two heads will be born on one mutton body; then two tails – at a lizard or a snake; then three feet and one hand – from a descendant of Temujin (Genghis Khan) – a local resident of these steppes. And it happened that normal ones were born, such as Sparrow Stasyan, for example.

There was no bodily defect on his body, everything was as it should: the tail, beak, eyes, and more… Everything was like a sparrow, but he had a problem with plumage. More precisely, there were no feathers at all, and he was completely bald. And therefore, from birth, he, his difficult life, celebrated on the ground, worse than a chicken, it at least slightly flies. But no worse than some doggie or lizard, homeless man or mouse… In short, never taking off into the sky, in contrast, from their feathered congeners who maliciously scoffed at him from above, calling and humiliating him. Screaming laughing from the nests, already fledging chicks. And even in general they celebrated the need, directly to him, and Stasyan, the bald sparrow, sadly lowered his head and sobbed in his soul, flowing around other people’s bird feces. And so every day. But he really wanted to fly so much that in a dream the lunatic, even tried to take off more than once, the reality is not a dream, and he, jumping into Java and being in the sleep of a lunatic, waved his bald wings once again, jumped and plopped down… and it even happened, beating off the forehead, then the tailbone. What he just did not try, but nothing replaced his feathers.

Once, fate nevertheless took pity on the bald irradiated sparrow, and once again, running away from a stray cat, he came across a rotten corpse of a raven. Maggot worms gnawed the deceased well, and the feathers simply lay on a skeleton on the ground near the garbage can of a human. He took two feathers with his paws and waved them like wings, and he, turning over, took off from the ground. He dreamed that he was an eagle fluttering high up in the sky and tracking this bald cat for breakfast, who at that time was trying to catch and gobble up the poor fellow – a disabled person who suffered from poor quality nuclear tests with partial radiation into the atmosphere. But holding the feathers in his paws and clutching his fingers, it was inconvenient to take off and not used to soar upside down, especially since there was no feathery tail and Stasyan could not steer, so to turn left, right, top and down, he had to land, turn around with the beak and flutter back to heaven.

Yes, and you don’t go upside down in the toilet. I had to make an emergency landing, which led to injuries to the skull and beak, since they usually also slowed them down. Of course, he learned to fly like this not so long ago, until feathers were taken away by his relatives and he again began to live, surviving, running away and hiding. But in the next pursuit, he regained again, at least some semblance of a sparrow-like appearance, even upside down, and healed.

But once Stasyan unsuccessfully landed in a fresh, human, homeless, still warm, jelly-like, sour-smelly product of the gastrointestinal tract. In a word, in shit. The feeling was not pleasant, and it was necessary to wash, but there was a shortage of water: after all, the steppe zone. People take water from the well. And the river dries up by the middle of summer, there will be no rains for another six months, the sun is at its zenith. We’ll have to wait until the shit dries up and disappears by itself – Stasyan thought out loud and, going to the sunny side, lay on his back and began to wait.

And at that time a swarm of green dung flies was approaching nearby, which Stasyan did not suspect. No, he saw flies in his life and even ate them, but only dead and dry, like crackers for beer. The living usually circled him, so as not to become crumbs, for his bird’s stomach. After all, birds chew their stomach. And at the moment, the aroma of crap and an unrecognizable look, like a lump of horse dung, hid his hunting disposition of a bird of prey, huge for flies. Roy swarmed the sparrow’s head over the sack and made a lunch landing, dived at once, but it wasn’t there. The litter was thick in front of the eyes and the legs of the shit-greedy flies stuck to the whole body. From time to time the flies shifted in place, thereby preventing their paws from finally sticking to the food. The main flies, only wanted to give a command to change places, when he was stopped by Stasyan’s open eye, in front of which he was located at the tip of his beak.

– -To stand!! Stasyan snarled.

– -Who are you?? – the leader asked out of fear – — I am your master, understand?

– -Yes.

– — Be called, my slave!

– — Honey … – — How?

– -Honey…

– — Senior fly Honey?

– — You can simply: “fly Honey.”

– — Fly Honey … – Stasyan shook his head. – why honey?

– — Sweet one, you know? The bees wears…

– — Honey, or what?

– — In your opinion – Honey, but in our opinion – Honey. Well, mi flew…

The main flies tried to tear off its paws, but it was too late, and they fluttered their wings at once, but the gravity held the sparrow motionless, and he realized that he needed to jump and tweeted:

– -Eureka!!! – and he bounced his back like a ninja. The flies caught the air stream and carried the bald man up above the ground. From the nearby trash can, the same cat peered out and jumped toward the living buzzing brown flying lump.

– — Higher, higher, fly Honey!!! – Stasyan yelled, in a language that is not understandable for humans and cats, but the flies understood him and after the fifteenth of their comrade had eaten, they immediately obeyed his orders, one hundred percent. So he became the master of the swarm, and their former leader voluntarily accepted the post of co-pilot and agreed in the person of all his relatives that if Herr Stasyan did not devour them, they would be ready to serve him faithfully. So the bald irradiated sparrow entered the ranks of birds and even, moreover, he began to fly twice as fast as his relatives and higher, like a real Eagle.

A proud eagle fluttered in the sky and saw a competitor approaching him from the ground. Before the village, no one could and did not have the right to rise to the level of the Eagle, and this …?!? – just a boor and an ignoramus!! – thought the Eagle and grabbed Stasyan on the fly with his paw, and brought it to his terrible, powerful, large beak.

– -Who are you???? he growled, like a gramophone, to the whole sky and bulged his eyes like a real mountaineer, spitting on a sparrow’s stinking cadaverous saliva from a predator, like a microphone singer and blowing off adhering flies. A couple of hundred flies were blown off immediately, without paws.

– — Yaa? Uh, I’m this… Arol. – startled, in a trembling voice, Stasyan answered. – like tee, uh… also a predator.

– — Hold on to the owner, we are with you!!! – the choir buzzed and whispered, the remaining half a million flies.

– — Eagle, or what?! Yeah? – The eagle opened its beak, so much so that not only a sparrow could fit there, but also flies, which were not at all afraid, but rather: narrowed their eyes and hummed at once.

– — Of course I am Oryol!! – shouted Stasyan and tried to get out from under the claws of a muscular monster of heaven. But the Eagle from childhood, like all children, was afraid of tickling and his desire to crush the boor and the impostor, failed. The flies betrayed by the sparrow, with all their might, wings and proboscis tickled the heel, the legs of the eagle.

– — Wah wah wah wah!!! – laughed forcibly, a real predator of heaven, local geographical location, then could not stand it and unclenched its mighty claws. Sparrow straightened the bones of the spine and took a proud position.

– -Yes! I am Arol, like you!! – Sparrow barked, lowering his voice, octave by five and coughed from a controcta.

– — And what is it, coughing? – Orel Stasyan asked more calmly.

– Forgiven while flying. Peel, smoked, balle … – answered with antlers, dancing, sparrow.

– — Balel, you say? – the fluttering Predator scratched his chin with his second paw. – and what is so small??

– — Another parody!! Yeah?! – Without thinking, Stasyan answered, having completely entered the courage of artistry.

– — Hey, I was smeared again … – for the bald Eagle. – And what is so smelly? Phew, are you getting rotten? – Highlander wrinkled his beak. – so sweat

– — No way, oh my older brother! I just, uh … – the sparrow in response answered.

– — Pulled. – whispered the elder fly Honey, now the co-pilot. – Say that you pulled, I didn’t eat fresh, rotten shit…

just, eat a lot hotel.

– — I do not eat shit, moron. – Stasyan drove.

– — Who, is this whispering to you? – I heard and was indignant, the eagle was wary and looked around.

– — It’s me, the honey fly … – I wanted to introduce myself, the main and only fly in the pack, but the sparrow warned it with its beak, swaying from side to side, as, with the index finger, the children are forbidden to bring up.

– — What kind of flour is meth? What is your name? – asked the Eagle in surprise.

– -No. My name is Stasyan.

– — Stasyan?? Armenians or what?

– — And Honey is my intestines. – the beginning was a sparrow.

– — Yes, I have his intestines and my name is a fly Honey, the rest of the body is all flies – a man, and I – women – a stomach that has not digested what is needed because of young stupidity. – the elder fly was smeared and shut up.

– — Okay, we drove through… but what, a relative so small? – and the eagle spread its chest.

– — And I am… a different breed…

– — This is understandable, but what didn’t it grow?

– — I had a hard life: I was an irradiated orphan.

In general, all life, the sky did not flutter. – cried Stasyan.

– — What, dumped from the cell?

– — Worse, from the zoo, I get from Almaty, but I don’t know where. – Said Stasyan.

– — And you fly to Russia, they say that the economy is improving.

– — Why are you not flying yourself?

– -I AM?! No, I’m dead, wanted there.

– -Why?

– — Yes, there are deeds, Me, immediately, upon arrival, the oligarchs will catch me and close them for life in a cage or make a stuffed animal. Moreover, here I already had a family, a son. Well, goodbye, relative. – finished the Eagle and a stone, immediately collapsed down, where there was a moving spot on the ground. Apparently: jerboa or ground squirrel.

– — And where to fly and in which direction? the sparrow asked after him, but the eagle was already far away and could not hear him.

– — Strange, you didn’t notice under your nose, but saw something crawling on the ground.

Stasyan and his bio motors together watched the eagle. – — Well, Honey, where are we going?

– — Fly Honey, oh my lord!

– — Okay, honey fly, which way we fly.

– — Where the wind will blow, we’ll fly there, it’s easier. – suggested the leader of the swarm of adhering green flies.

And they flew through the steppes and forests, through villages and cities, stopping only on heaps of shit, to refuel the swarm and overnight.

Fortunately, the wind was fair, just in the direction of the Gulf Stream, and they, examining the land from a bird’s flight, already became indifferent to their desires; they fly to Russia or to Turkmenistan. So there was no current target, but the radioactive dependence of Stasyan’s bodies and flies, as they moved away from the source of the radiation medium, caused itching of the gastrointestinal tract and drowsy insomnia, but they suffered. They suffered, but suffered, because you won’t scratch the guts especially in the middle?! This is not an ass and not a head, where you reached out and scrub – you scrub, your mother, your skin… Kaif. But the gut when itching or the liver?! Tin!! And they tried to rush about, with their mouths open: either left or right; now back and forth; now down, then… but up – the itching subsided, as the solar radiation intensified, but you won’t stay in space for a long time. It is harder to breathe, oxygen is not enough, and the intestines freeze. In general, Stasyan decided to fly to where the earth glows with radionuclides and from such a height this glow appeared in the region of Ukraine, that is … … In general, Stasyan decided to fly to Chernobyl. A pig will always find dirt, and an irradiated one will find radiation. Instinct. And be sure to through Chelyabinsk, the region of the River Tech… So his inner voice prompted him. And this inner voice was called simply Language. And if the Language brought to Kiev hundreds, thousands, millions of travelers of mammals, it is so irradiated, winged and even more so.

And now he has already reached Chernobyl. And the closer he flew up, the more he blissed out from stopping the itching of the intestines… Lepota. And he did not stay in the Abay district, the Nuclear Test Site, as he wanted changes and innovations. He wanted to see the world, but to show himself, and now he sailed across the sky: now backwards, now sideways, now backwards, now head first, then feet. And suddenly he, like an eagle, saw in a dump, a pile with a hole, and his eyes gazed out of it. Stasyan hung in place upside down, perpendicular to the ground… And??!

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