Цитаты из книги «Английские анекдоты / English Jokes»

What would you do if you won one million pounds? – Why? Of course I’d pay off my debts. – And what would you do with the remaining? – The remaining would have to wait till next time.

Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation? – Yes, of course. – Great! I never could before!

– Here,[14] hold my horse a minute, will you? – Sir, I am a member of the Congress. – Never mind![15] You look honest. I’ll take a chance.[16]

Joe: I love you. I love you. Won’t you be my wife? Jess: You must see mama first. Joe: I have seen her several times, but I love you just the same.

The husband wised up to the fact that[127] his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated[128] and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover: Sir! It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next. The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent off the following reply at once: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of your mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office’s auditorium.

preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?” He replied, “1 second.” The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million pounds to you?”

drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.” The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.” After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.” The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?” The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?” The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away? – Yes, I went to France, to Paris. – Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there? – No, I didn’t – but the Parisians did.

Wayne was returning home from a business trip… bags in hand… and slowly making his way to his vehicle in the crowded airport garage. Suddenly a large dark car screeched to a stop in front of Wayne, and the driver pointed menacingly at him. “Get in,[11]” the driver ordered. “I’ll take you to your car.” Startled, Wayne took a step backward. “Ah… no thanks,” he answered. “I can get there myself.” “No,” the man barked back as he threw open his passenger side door. “Get In!” Wayne’s eyes now darted around the garage, hoping to find a security guard. Just then, the driver’s face softened. “Please,” he said, “I’ve been driving up and down for two hours. I can’t find a space to park and I want yours.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies, “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy.” The boy picks up[6] his date and they go to a fountain. They stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.[7] He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl, “Do you like spinach?” She says “No,” and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother?” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach?”