Chapter 1. Auto-aggression. Anxiety. Longing

I have already written that I was prompted to study my psyche by the realization of the multifaceted nature of auto-aggression, which, as it turns out, is not at all what we used to think based on traditional ideas about this phenomenon. When I tried to understand and systematize the mechanisms by which my consciousness works, I felt as if I were walking in a circle in a dense fog, from which unclear outlines were emerging. The more circles I made, the more distinct the contours and details of the blocks that formed the circle became, and the more obvious it became that they were all interrelated. It was impossible to study one without bringing out and studying the others.

I discovered that auto-aggression is closely connected with the illusory view of the self, which, in turn, generates a certain reference view of «happiness» and the external world. This, in turn, generates the devaluation of the real world, which is different from the reference one. The comparison of these worlds inevitably plunges one into despondency, which leads to auto-aggression as an attempt to defeat one's own «inferiority» and achieve a state of "full value" where the dream of the ideal has already been achieved, but this state is constantly slipping away. And again, auto-aggression, vulnerability, devaluation. And on and on in a circle, over and over again.

Having decided to share the experience of personal psychoanalysis, I initially wanted to lead the reader through this circle following me, focusing on my notes. However, I eventually abandoned this idea and will instead describe the components that make up the structure of the infantile personality, paying attention to the fact that everything in it is interconnected, has two opposites, and the whole structure has many degrees of protection from external influence.

We will consider the following blocks:

• Illusions: Beautiful dreams and terrible fears, what we take from the outside, transform in a certain way, and carry inside (import). Illusions form the basis of the structure of the Ouroboros.

• Full Value (ouroboric “happiness”, the embodied Reference Image) and Inferiority (ouroboric “unhappiness”): These are the two states of the infantile personality, the main character of the narrative – the actor. The actor strives to enter the first state but cannot get there, while they remain in the second state all the time.

• These states have manifestations – superiority and vulnerability – between which the actor oscillates on the outer circuit. The culmination of this oscillation cycle is the affect of superiority or vulnerability. This is what is translated from the inside to the outside.

Thus, illusions are imported, and the perception of reality altered by them is exported in the form of affects.

We will also consider the tools the ouroboric psyche uses to keep its structure intact:

• Aggression: External/internal (auto-).

• Devaluation of the true and idealization of the false.

Let's talk about the trigger mechanism of affect – comparison.

I would like to emphasize that the division into chapters is conditional, as this is a holistic, monolithic structure where each link is inseparably connected with others. This is clearly demonstrated in the scheme I developed while studying the phenomenon of Ouroboros.

Auto-aggression

Contrary to the traditional view that auto-aggression involves self-inflicted external injuries to the point of suicide, I think this is certainly true but extreme and not so frequent. Meanwhile, auto-aggressive attacks on oneself without obvious external signs occur almost constantly and are not identified by the personality as auto-aggression, and therefore cannot be brought into the zone of awareness and stopped.

Let’s take a step away from the prefix “auto-” and first figure out what aggression actually is. Defining this concept is hardly difficult – everyone knows it’s when fists come into play as a form of argument. It’s obviously unpleasant, even frightening, to find oneself on the receiving end of that kind of aggression.

There’s also passive aggression, something we’re equally familiar with: when, at the slightest misstep on our part, someone unleashes a flood of sarcastic reproaches in a specific tone. We call such people “toxic” and try to minimize contact with them, because we’re left feeling deeply uncomfortable – hurt, even – after such encounters.

Now, let’s bring back the prefix “auto-,” and we get the same thing, only directed inward, at ourselves. While physically hitting oneself is fairly straightforward to recognize as auto-aggression, passive auto-aggression – the kind where we speak to ourselves in a toxic manner after a failure – is rarely acknowledged as such. Even though we exhaust ourselves emotionally, we tend to interpret it as a bout of bad mood, sadness, anxiety – which we attribute to failures, conflicts, insomnia, or simply “getting up on the wrong side of the bed.”

But we almost never notice the connection:

A mistake → passive aggression directed at ourselves for that mistake → a result in the form of a cascade of negative emotional states.

At the beginning of the cycle of auto-aggression, the following happens: during any unpleasantness or conflict, a certain better version of oneself appears in consciousness. This version would certainly not have allowed it, could have done better, thought more clearly, said (or didn't say) the right thing, was on time, did everything correctly, remembered important details, replied with a sharp retort, and so on. This «better» version begins to reprimand and demand explanations from the «worse» version – the one that allowed it, couldn't do better, didn't think clearly, didn't say (or didn't say) the right thing, was late, made mistakes, forgot important details, responded meekly, and so forth.

These two personalities of one person engage in a tense internal dialogue in which one blames while the other tries to justify or blame someone else. In this dialogue, the «accuser» invariably uses question adverbs like why, how, what for, how much, etc., and the pronoun you. The «accused» constantly tries to humor or portray themselves as a victim of circumstances and attempts to answer these razor-sharp questions: "Why did you let this happen?", "How could you say that?", "How can you be such an idiot?", "Why did you buy that?", "How much can you eat at night?", etc.

The theme of the dialogue changes depending on what provoked the cycle's beginning, but its essence is always the same – the «accused» either committed a «crime» or failed to prevent it. This dialogue continues until either the «accuser» – this magnificent best version – gets tired or the «accused» – this complete loser – begins to show external signs of self-harm, such as crying, banging their head against the wall, or cutting their veins. Now it becomes clear what all these tears into the pillow and agonizing insomnia are about.

At the same time, both the «accuser» and the «accused» are the same person – our infantile actor. No, they're not crazy; they're just unhappy with themselves and want to fix themselves so that "it won't happen again". They want the Reference Image to be realized, but is that possible with such a ridiculous «performer»? Obviously, the accusing part of this personality is under an illusion about the real qualities of the «accused». In fact, it is under an illusion about itself.

For example, a woman might have a certain reference image of herself in her personality structure, where she is slender, wears beautiful clothes, is photogenic, and posts attractive photos on social media. This image seems quite realistic; there is nothing supernatural about it. However, it was formed some time ago without considering the peculiarities of her psyche, physiology, and current life conditions, making it illusory and detached from reality.

If she is overweight and cannot lose weight, such a woman, seeing her reflection in the mirror or after a heavy dinner, will engage in an internal dialogue similar to the one described earlier. She might call herself «fat» and accuse herself of "eating that piece of cake again" (which she believes she could have avoided). In this case, the «accuser» is under an illusion about her own willpower, the lack of which is the reason for her lack of results in the fight against excess weight, and which even earlier led to the gain of this weight.

If this hypothetical woman could realistically assess her willpower, she would accept the number on the scale and either stop torturing herself with attacks or work on this area constructively. However, this does not happen because the very act of auto-aggression, leading to the tears of the «accused» or an attack of dysphoria followed by affect (which we will consider later), is seen by the psyche as a sufficient result. Such a person is unlikely to lose weight naturally but is quite capable of feeding her own Ouroboros.

It is important to understand that the emergence of this second character marks the beginning of a cycle of self-dissatisfaction and subsequent self-aggression. The internal dialogue should be replaced by a monologue, removing the pronoun «you»: instead of "you ate a lot again, don't eat a lot," it should be "I ate a lot again, I won't eat a lot". This change eliminates the presence of two versions of oneself in one's consciousness.

I want to emphasize that the reason for such internal dialogue, and thus for an episode of auto-aggression, is not important. It can be anything, and if it is not found in the present, it will be found in the past. We are all familiar with the feeling of guilt. What matters is the presence of a large, auto-aggression-fed, and currently hungry Ouroboros in a person's psyche. I hope the reader understands that this is a metaphor; by Ouroboros, I mean not a literal lizard in our head, but the structure of an immature personality that produces dysfunctional behavioral patterns, including auto-aggression.

All of this means that if someone is alone in a room and feels like crying, it indicates that they are torturing themselves in a way that can no longer be tolerated, and they may not even recognize it.

In studying the phenomenon of auto-aggression, I realized that it is not linear; it has a multi-layered structure with many variations. I identified the following major layers of auto-aggression:

– overt (insomnia),

– hidden (longing),

– deep (unpleasant dreams),

– permanent – anxiety, which provokes an endless stream of consciousness,

– the sudden-appearing anxiety affect – the Catastrophizer.

And the versions of auto-aggression

manifested externally:

– suicide;

– damage to one's body – cuts, etc.;

– deliberately hitting yourself or objects;

– excessive tattoos and piercings;

– all addictions – drug, alcohol, food.

Hidden:

– internal dialogs with figuring out who is at fault;

– comparing oneself to others not in one's favor;

– punishing oneself by denying oneself pleasure, excessive self-saving;

– fatigue to the point of exhaustion;

– accidentally bumping into objects in known places.

It does not matter what form our auto-aggression takes in each particular case; it always starts with an internal dialogue. Often, this dialogue is not between the «best» and «worst» versions of ourselves, but between an infantile actor and the person with whom they had a conflict, such as a boss, spouse, or neighbor. The actor mentally tries to prove their rightness, primarily to themselves.

From the very beginning, I asked myself whether it is possible to defeat auto-aggression. I concluded that it is possible to significantly reduce its intensity by controlling the basis of the ouroboric structure – illusions. And that is very good news.

And now the bad news: the structure of the infantile personality makes it almost impossible to engage with reality. As long as there is a devaluation of the true, there will inevitably be an idealization of the false, i.e., an illusory reference image of oneself. This leads to auto-aggression for not conforming to this image, accompanied by self-imposed pressure to get closer to it and find «happiness» – to reach one's infantile «paradise». Yes, reality destroys illusion, the basis of the whole structure, but illusion resists destruction.

Illusion is seductive: in the illusion about oneself, one is great, omnipotent, clever, sought-after, and witty. In reality, a person is simply who they truly are. Reality is an exile from paradise; it requires concentration and is energetically costly. It is difficult for a person to be in the present moment, in the "here and now". It is challenging to exist without a "stream of consciousness" – that endless sleep of the mind where fragmentary thought-forms constantly replace each other, like Brownian motion. Reality demands productive thought, but the infantile brain desires rest; it wants to «sleep» and dream illusory dreams of its own greatness. Again, the illusion, and again the longing for the reference image, believing that connecting with it will bring ouroboric «happiness». For the infantile personality, at a deep subconscious level, this is an aspiration to the infantile paradise of the mother's womb, where everything is provided, and nothing needs to be done.

Thus, it turns out that the more we engage with reality, the less we are influenced by illusions and the Reference Image, and consequently, the less auto-aggression we experience. Deprived of self-nourishment, Ouroboros decreases in size relative to the psyche, and – completing the circle – auto-aggression decreases.

We have demonstrated this proposition: reality stops auto-aggression, or at least significantly reduces it. It's complex, I must admit. But let's try to understand it in detail.

A person spends an overwhelming amount of time in thoughts that are far removed from where their body is. The mental eye sees illusory pictures of the past or fantasies about the past, the future, or things read, heard, or seen once. However, what is happening at the current moment often goes unnoticed. Sight seems to serve merely to avoid collisions with obstacles. People mostly see their mental pictures and hear their inner dialogues. Meanwhile, thoughts, like a balloon on a long string, constantly drift into fantasies, news, or other geographies, depending on the whims of the mind. These thoughts lack weight and sense.

In this endless illusory marathon of thoughts, the main theme is self-importance and rightness – repeating or reliving successful moments and reimagining unsuccessful ones with better outcomes. These thoughts confirm one's coolness and charisma or, in case of failure, inferiority – attempting to replay or sadistically picking at wounds. Almost always, we live in a separation of mind and body. There seems to be no escape from this as thoughts keep slipping into imagined superiority over others. Reality is often perceived as boring and uninteresting. This may be due to self-devaluation – I am not interesting; real life is not interesting – but in the mental distance beyond the clouds, I am great and beautiful.

In this case, the separated body is like a house without a roof – gradually collapsing due to inadequate sensory control. If thoughts are combined with the body in the present moment, both illusory superiority and vulnerability disappear, leaving only reality. When thoughts and body are connected, the system becomes functional; thoughts gain weight, and the body gains control and regulation.

The body given to us at birth is our highest value. It is only with the help of our body that we can do anything. Yet, the body is often maximally devalued. Remember how ashamed Adam and Eve were of their bodies after eating that ill-fated apple? It often seems that our bodies are mistakes; however, there will never be another one like it. Therefore, we must treat it with maximum tenderness and care.

Nevertheless, the infantile personality abuses its body through overloads, improper nutrition, sleep deprivation, etc. Lack of communication with the body leads to ignoring its voice. And the body responds with pain. These are all auto-sadistic moments within auto-aggression. The outcome is natural – the body first hurts and then gets sick.

So, disease arises:

– as a consequence of auto-aggressive attacks on one's psyche, manifesting through psychosomatics;

– as a result of sadistic but unconscious attacks directly on the body through overload, deprivation of rest, exposure to risk, improper nutrition, and direct poisoning by alcohol, smoking, or drugs;

More often than not, both factors are combined and completely unrecognized by the individual. The connection to the body is lost because an overwhelming amount of time is spent outside of that connection – in the past, in the future, in fantasies and plans, in the news, and in other people's lives.

To regain this connection, one should spend more time where the body is physically located – in reality – listening to it and integrating into consciousness all the signals sent to the brain by the senses. I believe that staying in reality, identifying and controlling the “stream of consciousness,” and stopping internal accusatory dialogues are what effectively stop auto-aggressive manifestations. Practicing these skills is necessary, and you need to start now!