– Pasha come in. Yes you are a friend of mine and you can be angry with me and tell me any words but now… I didn’t expect to see you,– he said quietly, wiping his eyes. He left and went inside of the room. Pavel came in and was shocked by the surroundings of the house. The house was in a terrible mess. There were empty alcohol bottles everywhere. The smell of the spilled on the floor liquid was cutting the nose. The wallpaper was drawn with a marker and ripped off in some places. A big mirror in the hallway was broken and there were spots of blood on it.

– I am sorry Muhit that I came with no disclaimer. I wanted to see you. I think we should’ve talked. What would I say, Muhit? I am sorry that you lost your son. Kanat was like a son to me. Accept this loss my friend. Of course, I never wish anyone to experience this. But you? You, Muhit, will break for this? I’ve seen enough now,– sadly said Pavel.

– And what now? Are you ashamed of me? No one makes you stay. You can leave now. You say my Kanat was like a son to you? Who cares for that and who remembers that? Did you come here to remind me of that? Where were you when I felt bad? When everything screamed inside of me. What can I say about it? You haven’t seen me this way and now you are horrified? I’m not happy with my appearance as well. But I can’t do anything about it now. Do you think it’s easy for me? I can’t go through the pain in my soul. It is killing me inside. My boy Kanat was like yesterday…. Why did you leave me here Pasha? Tell me, you know,– he asked sarcastically, sipping from the bottle.

– It’s my karma which got me Pasha. Don't understand me? Who am I for my fate? Just some bug. And if it was, it was like this… I am worse, Pasha,– continued Muhit sarcastically, and began to empty the bottle.

– Muhit, I’ve always been near you. It was you who gid in your shell and now you are making faces at me. Or are my tears for him different? You can be angry because something went wrong this or other way. You can start and continue your life as if fate never challenged you. It doesn’t seem mad to me. Who are you, Muhit? Will you just give up? I will not believe in that, my friend. I understand you as no one can. Do you think that sitting here and drinking could make him alive? What have you turned your life to? Where are Mereke and Karlygash? Tell me. Didn’t you say that you valued your family the most? It’s all very strange. It’s not just strange that you are broken. It’s strange that you didn’t stay next to your loved ones,– turning at him, Pavel looked him in his eyes. The eyes full of tears were looking at his wounded soul and couldn’t do anything about it. At that moment, he noticed a piece of paper falling out of his pocket. He had a chance to see the details. It was the photo of Kanat. The photo of his son was lying on the floor and wasn’t noticed by his father. Ut looked bravely but sadly at his father. As if it was an invisible spirit it tried to be present and horrify… It was horrified by the one who its father turned to. It was horrified by the amount of transformation the grief, his death, brought to the life of his some- time- ago loved father.. He was looking from the photo, waving his arms as a far echo. No one knew what both Pavel and Muhit would have in the future. The fate was swinging now around each of them. The hurricane of events was coming. It was coming according to the laws of life, known only by it.

– Muhit, pick up the photo. It fell off your pocket. It will get dirty for sure,– politely addressed him Pavel, pointing his finger at it.

– My handsome boy. I’m so sorry for not shielding you. It was my fault that you left us so small,– murmured Muhit in a low voice, quickly kissed the photo and put it back in his pocket.

– Would you be the one to judge me, Pasha? Do you think I’m wasting my life? Well, maybe you’re right. Who are you and who am I now? I’ve reached the bottom. I am a useless drunkard, Pasha. Do you think it’s easy for me and I don’t think about anything? If only I could live this way, my friend. I’m even scared to ask God for anything. Shall I ask and lose it? How can I go on, Pavel? I’m disappointed in everything. Who else could I tell about it but you. But I would be really surprised if you didn’t know all of that. Pasha, look how handsome he was. He is looking at me as if he isn’t happy I’m not with him as well. I was his rock. I was but didn’t become… I really wanted to be someone important and necessary to him in life. I wanted to teach him everything I know. I wanted to show him the world the way I knew it. Why are all people happy and upset about…. Yes, I dare to say so after what I’ve experienced. Frankly speaking, I’m sick of this world because it is a pure evil which takes happiness away from us. What shall I aim, Pasha? Tell me. To the things which you’ll eventually lose? This photo, it’s the only one I have. It is my savior and my death at the same time now… Look, how handsome he was… Look at the way he is laughing, Pasha. He laughed so rarely for his short life so, Pasha, does it mean that I was the only one I lived for? Mereke and my daughter left me alone. Maybe they wanted me to accept the loss as a fact and took away all of his photos. And I don’t want to think this way… It hurts to think that I could kill him with my inaction. It seems to me that I am a useless man, a useless doctor. But perhaps the word “doctor” doesn’t relate to me after everything that has happened. Who needs me after turning away from me? Only my son needed me and God took him away from me. Why? Tell me why do we lose our children? Is it all a challenge for us? Let this challenge go to hell then! To hell! I was supposed to be in his shoes. He is there, instead of me, Pasha. I am tortured by this guilt. Why doesn’t God take us? Aren’t our lives enough? Every day I die with my son in my mind and you know, it makes me happy… I’m happy that I laugh with him and I'm close to him… I tell him some of my stories and he listens to me attentively. I can even feel his tight handshake. Pasha, can you imagine it can be this way… And he doesn’t want to leave me, however strange it is… But the morning comes and everything goes on again. I anticipated this tragedy, my friend. I knew that something was going to happen. I feel everything, Pasha. I saw some kind of giant or some creature which wanted to tell me something. At least I felt it by the look of his eyes. The giant was looking at me with desperate eyes. It was a sign, Pasha. It wanted to warn me about something. Do you think these were just dreams? If only it was this way. If only we understood everything the fate wanted to tell is or prevent from… Unfortunately I can’t get out of this circle, Pasha. Aren’t you a father as well? You saw the way I lived, how happy I was and having my plans for life… It came out that our life is just a fiction. Just one empty lie, Pasha? Even though he was suffering from cerebral palsy, I was getting ready to make his life easier… I never regretted that I had a son with such a diagnosis. The only thing important for me was to just be next to him. Just be next to him to always have a chance to kiss him… And what’s now? All of my knowledge, all my experience, was it an empty idea, my friend? There’s no meaning in anything! That’s what I understood. I lost my rock. This is probably how people die. So I will disappear and no one will notice… None of my presence and my tears, my friend,– he sobbed looking at the photograph.

– You are right, Muhit. Yes, sometimes life gives us challenges, it happens. I believe each of your words. But I have nothing to say back. And I don’t think that you’ve lost your mind. You are adequate, indeed. But because you see and know that Life crushes everything around and takes your closest people away from you. Of course, if only all of those hardships would avoid us… Muhit, don’t blame anyone. Everything has a God willing. Time will heal and put everything in the right place. Be strong. Accept what happened as a fact and let his soul go to heaven. You are doing no good for him by not letting him go because of your bad pain. Do it for him, Muhit… A true power of a person is not found in impulses and emotions. I feel it’s found in calmness and awareness of what happened… I’m not sure if it’s appropriate but I want to say that every person needs a goal. Please, listen up, Muhit. If it’s right or not, that’s not what I’m talking about. The goal changes the person. The scale of the goal changes the scale of the person. In each challenging life circumstances the person survives because of their goal. Such people are different. And this goal keeps a person together so that they would strive for something, Muhit. Now I don’t see it, this basis of yours, my friend, Muhit. Haven’t we gone through many things? We have seen the good and the evil. We gave people hope to live and enjoyed when we managed to change somebody’s life for the good. Wasn’t it our dream when we entered medical school and decided to be doctors? So pull yourself together, my friend,– Pavel looked at him sadly. Muhit had tears running down on his cheeks and didn’t even attempt to stop them. They were sliding down and disappeared in his gray beard. As if they disappeared in the sand…

– Pasha, you know me. If only I could get it all back. Could I ask my fate about this? I blame myself for his death, my friend. It is so. I can’t see my reflection in the mirror. I’m sick of myself, my friend. Answer me, Pasha, how can I live on? How can I ignore the fact that I’m that very Muhit? I can’t do so, Pasha, and you know it. I would want to be lying in the wet ground instead of him. Because he had to live for many years,– he said in a shaken voice.

– Muhit, that’s not the way I imagined our conversation. And I really expected that we might have had a calm, close talk… Perhaps I came at the wrong time. I hit home with my visit… I’d better go. You are the only one who has answers for all of your questions. Whoever you’ve been, I’ll always be your friend. Remember that. And I will not stay aside in case you need me. I will visit you again in a couple of days and maybe then we’ll manage to talk. We’ll talk seriously and not emotionally. Is it a deal, Muhit?,– he said and stood up from his chair and walked in the direction of the door. Just for a moment he noticed some kind of a smile on his face while he was looking at his son’s photo but it disappeared right away.

– To speak in a calm manner? If only everything that you said would be this way, Pasha. If only everything you said was not like this. But what’s the point of awareness if the heart is bleeding? There is no remedy from it, unfortunately. I’ll be waiting for you, Pasha,– he said in the empty space and Pavel didn’t hear it while going downstairs.

After coming back home, Pavel couldn’t get himself together for a long time. The conversation with Muhit didn’t leave his mind. Even his wife noticed something strange. She noticed that he was concerned and during the dinner she asked him:

– Pavel, is everything okay with you? Is there anything wrong with your job? You didn’t even touch the food… Shall you have some rest? This new position of yours has really worn you out… Perhaps you should refuse your new position of the head of the department? You didn’t want to have it from the beginning. You are a good doctor. Let somebody else take this position… Do you think it’s pleasant for me as well? I see that something is going on,– his wife Irina stood up worried.

– You know, Irisha, I visited Muhit today. Yes, it was him. But I couldn’t recognize the poor thing right away. I’m afraid something bad might happen if I don’t stop him. All my mind is occupied with him, Irisha. I’m sorry. I was not just terrified by his appearance. I was terrified by his words, sweetheart. His words cut me like a knife… Those were the words of a father who truly and madly loved his child… It’s not even about the fact that I’ve been asked about him all these days at work. But I can’t do anything at work after that… I feel so sorry for him anyways. He is my only friend. I couldn’t even recognize him. The grief, the tragic loss of his son is killing him, poor thing he is. He is drinking over all possible limits. He will destroy himself this way. I need to visit him again in a couple of days. I promised him. Maybe he didn’t hear my words but when I was walking away, I told him so. But as his friend I want to be honest with him and keep my word. And I will do so. He has nobody around now, all alone, It is me who has to help him to break this vicious circle now. Otherwise all of us will lose this great person… That’s what I saw at his home,– he said sadly and thoughtfully.

– Yeah, I agree with you, Pavel. He is a great person. Help him if it’s possible. Even his wife is not around him, which is a pity… You said she calls you rarely… Why did she leave that poor thing alone? Pavel, let me heat your dinner up again. You need to eat. You shouldn’t torture yourself with his problems. I’ve been worried for you, Pavel,– she said with a concerned look.

– Yes, she calls me every week and cries all the time. She wants to learn about him. Who else could she also call but me? Do you think I should’ve told him about her calls today? Should I’ve told him so that he would begin blaming himself for that one as well? What a fool I’ve been! I was covering myself up with work while he was suffering… And now I understand Mereke. She didn’t leave him forever. She knows him so well. She knows his personality. She knows that he will not let everyone live until he sorts all the things out. That’s how his brain works, Irisha. He is Muhit and he has to go till the end… He has to understand and realize what happened. To accept what happened and, the most crucial part, understand himself. How didn’t I get it right away? It is not in the power of anyone to realize what happened to his son. But he is not a simple person. He will not just give up. And if I know him right, he is this kind of person! Oh, my friend. You have the right to be offended with me. That I started understanding you only now. Thank you, Irina, for your conversation. Now I’m really hungry. Oh, Irisha, this is how all of us, men, are. We are complicated and simple. It’s like everything is concealed but if you take a closer look, everything is located on the surface,– he said to his wife in a more lively manner.

– Pavel, you are so smart. Do what you intend. And if your heart says that you’re doing the right thing, go ahead then. We are also growing kids… I know how much you value your friendship with Muhit. Pavel, I got so moved while I was listening to you. And I understand him now. And poor Mereke! How is she now? She feels twice as hard,– she was saying that while watching her beloved husband operating with silvery deftly, while eating.

– Thank you for these words. You have never been more right. That’s what I’m thinking about. That he needs those important words. And I have some hope that our conversation hasn’t been useless. But what is waiting for us in the future? You know, Irina, I have a feeling that he needs some kind of support. He needs something to push away and leave that place. The place which might not let him go now. Yes, I felt it all today and I guess I need to think more. I need to think more and get prepared for our next conversation,– he said that without raising his head and went on with his dinner.

These two days have gone so fast. Pavel had an image of his friend all these days. He was tensed by the idea that his friend might not be eager to see him. He left his job a little earlier and headed to Muhit’s place again. He took some food with him and went upstairs right to his apartment. The door was not locked, he pushed it and went in. Muhit was sleeping on the sopha. Nothing had changed as it was before. The things were all around. The empty alcohol bottles were thrown everywhere around. It all caught Pavel’s eyes. After thinking for a little he opened the window to let the fresh air in. The fresh flow came up to the room right away. He took off his jacket and started cleaning up. He took away all unnecessary things, including the empty bottles. Muhit was still sleeping tightly. And only when he started to move chairs which were lying on the floor, he heard his groaning.

– Who’s here? Who are you? Walk away whoever you are,– he said in a rude sleepy voice.

– It’s enough to lay here as an old man. You’ve been lying here and trying to command me. You’d better help me,– shortly but confidently said Pavel and started laughing, surprised by himself.

– Is that you, Pasha? What are you doing here? What have you done to the room? Have I asked you to do something? I don’t wanna see you. Thank you, indeed, but leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk to you today,– he said, confused but showing his unpleasure, still lying on the sopha.

– I've heard you, Muhit. You are feeling sorry for yourself that’s why you’ve been doing this to you. What are you looking like? What does your apartment look like? Is that you, Muhit? Is that Muhit who always gave me valuable pieces of advice?! Get ready. We’re going to my home. Irina cooked something there. She’s not home so we’ll spend some time there. She went to Almaty to see her parents. You’ll eat. And take a shower as well. When was the last time you ate something, Muhit? If you wish, I can be silent…. Just let me help you clean up here,– he said puting the tissue away.

– What kind of food? Have you lost your mind, Pasha? Let it all go to hell. Please, leave, Pasha. You see that I’m not ready for anything. You hurt me with your presence, Pasha. Or is it pleasant for you to torture me with yoyr questions?– Muhit asked him as if begging.