Because he's got fifty thousand a year, and you're head over ears in debt. You've got to raise something like four thousand pounds at once, or you go under. You've got yourself a good deal talked about during the last ten years, but people have stood you because you had plenty of money. If you go broke they'll drop you like a hot potato. And I daresay it wouldn't be inconvenient to change Lady Frederick Berolles into Lady Mereston. My sister has always led me to believe that it is rather attractive to be a Marchioness.

Lady Frederick

Unlike a duchess, its cheap without being gaudy.

Fouldes

You asked me why you might want to marry a boy from ten to fifteen years younger than yourself, and I've told you.

Lady Frederick

And now perhaps you'll tell me why you're going to interfere in my private concerns?

Fouldes

Well, you see his mother happens to be my sister, and I'm rather fond of her. It's true her husband was the most sanctimonious prig I've ever met in my life.

Lady Frederick

I remember him well. He was president of the Broad Church Union and wore side-whiskers.

Fouldes

But she stuck to me through thick and thin. I've been in some pretty tight places in my day, and she's always given me a leg up when I wanted it. I've got an idea it would just about break her heart if Charlie married you.

Lady Frederick

Thanks.

Fouldes

You know, I don't want to be offensive, but I think it would be a pity myself. And besides, unless I'm much mistaken, I've got a little score of my own that I want to pay off.

Lady Frederick

Have you?

Fouldes

You've got a good enough memory not to have forgotten that you made a blithering fool of me once. I swore I'd get even with you, and by George, I mean to do it.

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] And how do you propose to stop me if I make up my mind that I'm going to accept Charlie?

Fouldes

Well, he's not proposed yet, has he?

Lady Frederick

Not yet, but I've had to use every trick and device I can think of to prevent him.

Fouldes

Look here, I'm going to play this game with my cards on the table.

Lady Frederick

Then I shall be on my guard. You're never so dangerous as when you pretend to be frank.

Fouldes

I'm sorry you should think so badly of me.

Lady Frederick

I don't. Only it was a stroke of genius when Nature put the soul of a Jesuit priest into the body of a Yorkshire squire.

Fouldes

I wonder what you're paying me compliments for. You must be rather afraid of me.

[They look at one another for a moment.

Lady Frederick

Well, let's look at these cards.

Fouldes

First of all, there's this money you've got to raise.

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

This is my sister's suggestion.

Lady Frederick

That means you don't much like it.

Fouldes

If you'll refuse the boy and clear out – we'll give you forty thousand pounds.

Lady Frederick

I suppose you'd be rather surprised if I boxed your ears.

Fouldes

Now, look here, between you and me high falutin's rather absurd, don't you think so? You're in desperate want of money, and I don't suppose it would amuse you much to have a young hobbledehoy hanging about your skirts for the rest of your life.

Lady Frederick

Very well, we'll have no high falutin! You may tell Lady Mereston that if I really wanted the money I shouldn't be such an idiot as to take forty thousand down when I can have fifty thousand a year for the asking.

Fouldes

I told her that.

Lady Frederick

You showed great perspicacity. Now for the second card.

Fouldes

My dear, it's no good getting into a paddy over it.

Lady Frederick

I've never been calmer in my life.

Fouldes

You always had the very deuce of a temper. I suppose you've not given Charlie a sample of it yet, have you?

Lady Frederick

[Laughing.] Not yet.

Fouldes

Well, the second card's your reputation.

Lady Frederick

But I haven't got any. I thought that such an advantage.

Fouldes

You see Charlie is a young fool. He thinks you a paragon of all the virtues, and it's never occurred to him that you've rather gone the pace in your time.

Lady Frederick

It's one of my greatest consolations to think that even a hundred horse-power racing motor couldn't be more rapid than I've been.

Fouldes

Still it'll be rather a shock to Charlie when he hears that this modest flower whom he trembles to adore has…

Lady Frederick

Very nearly eloped with his own uncle. But you won't tell him that story because you hate looking a perfect ass.

Fouldes

Madam, when duty calls, Paradine Fouldes consents even to look ridiculous. But I was thinking of the Bellingham affair.

Lady Frederick

Ah, of course, there's the Bellingham affair. I'd forgotten it.

Fouldes

Nasty little business that, eh?

Lady Frederick

Horrid.

Fouldes

Don't you think it would choke him off?

Lady Frederick

I think it very probable.

Fouldes

Well, hadn't you better cave in?

Lady Frederick

[Ringing the bell.] Ah, but you've not seen my cards yet. [A servant enters.] Tell my servant to bring down the despatch-box which is on my writing-table.

SERVANT.

Yes, miladi.

[Exit.

Fouldes

What's up now?

Lady Frederick

Well, four or five years ago I was staying at this hotel, and Mimi la Bretonne had rooms here.

Fouldes

I never heard of the lady, but her name suggests that she had an affectionate nature.

Lady Frederick

She was a little singer at the Folies Bergères, and she had the loveliest emeralds I ever saw.

Fouldes

But you don't know Maud's.

Lady Frederick

The late Lord Mereston had a passion for emeralds. He always thought they were such pure stones.

Fouldes

[Quickly.] I beg your pardon?

Lady Frederick

Well, Mimi fell desperately ill, and there was no one to look after her. Of course the pious English ladies in the hotel wouldn't go within a mile of her, so I went and did the usual thing, don't you know.

[Lady Frederick's man comes in with a small despatch-box which he places on a table. He goes out. Lady Frederick as she talks, unlocks it.

Fouldes

Thank God I'm a bachelor, and no ministering angel ever smoothes my pillow when I particularly want to be left alone.

Lady Frederick

I nursed her more or less through the whole illness, and afterwards she fancied she owed me her worthless little life. She wanted to give me the precious emeralds, and when I refused was so heart-broken that I said I'd take one thing if I might.

Fouldes

And what was that?

Lady Frederick

A bundle of letters. I'd seen the address on the back of the envelope, and then I recognised the writing. I thought they'd be much safer in my hands than in hers. [She takes them out of the box and hands them to Paradine.] Here they are.

[He looks and starts violently.

Fouldes

89 Grosvenor Square. It's Mereston's writing. You don't mean? What! Ah, ah, ah. [He bursts into a shout of laughter.] The old sinner. And Mereston wouldn't have me in the house, if you please, because I was a dissolute libertine. And he was the president of the Broad Church Union. Good Lord, how often have I heard him say: "Gentlemen, I take my stand on the morality, the cleanliness and the purity of English Family Life." Oh, oh, oh.

Lady Frederick

I've often noticed that the religious temperament is very susceptible to the charms of my sex.

Fouldes

May I look?

Lady Frederick

Well, I don't know. I suppose so.

Fouldes

[Reading.] "Heart's delight"… And he signs himself, "your darling chickabiddy." The old ruffian.

Lady Frederick

She was a very pretty little thing.

Fouldes

I daresay, but thank heaven, I have some sense of decency left, and it outrages all my susceptibilities that a man in side-whiskers should call himself anybody's chickabiddy.

Lady Frederick

Protestations of undying affection are never ridiculous when they are accompanied by such splendid emeralds.

Fouldes

[Starting and growing suddenly serious.] And what about Maud?

Lady Frederick

Well?

Fouldes

Poor girl, it'd simply break her heart. He preached at her steadily for twenty years, and she worshipped the very ground he trod on. She'd have died of grief at his death except she felt it her duty to go on with his work.

Lady Frederick

I know.

Fouldes

By Jove, it's a good card. You were quite right to refuse the emeralds: these letters are twice as valuable.

Lady Frederick

Would you like to burn them?

Fouldes

Betsy!

Lady Frederick

There's the stove. Put them in.

[He takes them up in both hands and hurries to the stove. But he stops and brings them back, he throws them on the sofa.

Fouldes

No, I won't.

Lady Frederick

Why not?

Fouldes

It's too dooced generous. I'll fight you tooth and nail, but it's not fair to take an advantage over me like that. You'll bind my hands with fetters.

Lady Frederick

Very well. You've had your chance.

Fouldes

But, by Jove, you must have a good hand to throw away a card like that. What have you got – a straight flush?

Lady Frederick

I may be only bluffing, you know.

Fouldes

Lord, it does me good to hear your nice old Irish brogue again.

Lady Frederick

Faith, and does it?

Fouldes

I believe you only put it on to get over people.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling.] Begorrah, it's not easy to get over you.

Fouldes

Lord, I was in love with you once, wasn't I?

Lady Frederick

Not more than lots of other people have been.

Fouldes

And you did treat me abominably.

Lady Frederick

Ah, that's what they all said. But you got over it very well.

Fouldes

I didn't. My digestion was permanently impaired by your brutal treatment.

Lady Frederick

Is that why you went to Carlsbad afterwards instead of the Rocky Mountains?

Fouldes

You may laugh, but the fact remains that I've only been in love once, and that was with you.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling as she holds out her hand.] Good-night.

Fouldes

For all that I'm going to fight you now for all I'm worth.

Lady Frederick

I'm not frightened of you, Paradine.

Fouldes

Good-night.

[As he goes out, Captain Montgomerie enters.

Lady Frederick

[Yawning and stretching her arms.] Oh I'm so sleepy.

Captain Montgomerie

I'm sorry for that. I wanted to have a talk with you.

Lady Frederick

[Smiling.] I daresay I can keep awake for five minutes, you know – especially if you offer me a cigarette.

Captain Montgomerie

Here you are.

[He hands her his case and lights her cigarette.

Lady Frederick

[With a sigh.] Oh, what a comfort.

Captain Montgomerie

I wanted to tell you, I had a letter this morning from my solicitor to say that he's just bought Crowley Castle on my behalf.

Lady Frederick

Really. But it's a lovely place. You must ask me to come and stay.

Captain Montgomerie

I should like you to stay there indefinitely.

Lady Frederick

[With a quick look.] That's charming of you, but I never desert my London long.

Captain Montgomerie

[Smiling.] I have a very nice house in Portman Square.

Lady Frederick

[Surprised.] Really?

Captain Montgomerie

And I'm thinking of going into Parliament at the next election.

Lady Frederick

It appears to be a very delightful pastime to govern the British nation, dignified without being laborious.

Captain Montgomerie

Lady Frederick, although I've been in the service I have rather a good head for business, and I hate beating about the bush. I wanted to ask you to marry me.

Lady Frederick

It's nice of you not to make a fuss about it. I'm very much obliged but I'm afraid I can't.

Captain Montgomerie

Why not?

Lady Frederick

Well, you see, I don't know you.

Captain Montgomerie

We could spend the beginning of our married life so usefully in making one another's acquaintance.

Lady Frederick

It would be rather late in the day then to come to the conclusion that we couldn't bear the sight of one another.

Captain Montgomerie

Shall I send my banker's book so that you may see that my antecedents are respectable and my circumstances – such as to inspire affection.

Lady Frederick

I have no doubt it would be very interesting – but not to me.

[She makes as if to go.

Captain Montgomerie

Ah, don't go yet. Won't you give me some reason?

Lady Frederick

If you insist. I'm not in the least in love with you.

Captain Montgomerie

D'you think that much matters?

Lady Frederick

You're a friend of Gerald's, and he says you're a very good sort. But I really can't marry every one that Gerald rather likes.

Captain Montgomerie

He said he'd put in a good word for me.

Lady Frederick

If I ever marry again it shall be to please myself, not to please my brother.

Captain Montgomerie

I hope I shall induce you to alter your mind.

Lady Frederick

I'm afraid I can give you no hope of that.

Captain Montgomerie

You know, when I determine to do a thing, I generally do it.

Lady Frederick

That sounds very like a threat.

Captain Montgomerie

You may take it as such if you please.

Lady Frederick

And you've made up your mind that you're going to marry me?

Captain Montgomerie

Quite.

Lady Frederick

Well, I've made up mine that you shan't. So we're quits.

Captain Montgomerie

Why don't you talk to your brother about it?

Lady Frederick

Because it's no business of his.

Captain Montgomerie

Isn't it? Ask him!

Lady Frederick

What do you mean by that?

Captain Montgomerie

Ask him? Good-night.

Lady Frederick

Good-night. [He goes out. Lady Frederick goes to the French window that leads to the terrace and calls.] Gerald!

Gerald

Hulloa!

[He appears and comes into the room.

Lady Frederick

Did you know that Captain Montgomerie was going to propose to me?

Gerald

Yes.

Lady Frederick

Is there any reason why I should marry him?

Gerald

Only that I owe him nine hundred pounds.

Lady Frederick

[Aghast.] Oh, why didn't you tell me?

Gerald

You were so worried, I couldn't. Oh, I've been such a fool. I tried to make a coup for Rose's sake.

Lady Frederick

Is it a gambling debt?

Gerald

Yes.

Lady Frederick

[Ironically.] What they call a debt of honour?

Gerald

I must pay it the day after to-morrow without fail.

Lady Frederick

But that's the day my two bills fall due. And if you don't?

Gerald

I shall have to send in my papers, and I shall lose Rosie. And then I shall blow out my silly brains.

Lady Frederick

But who is the man?

Gerald

He's the son of Aaron Levitzki, the money-lender.

Lady Frederick

[Half-comic, half-aghast.] Oh lord!

END OF THE FIRST ACT