The next couple of weeks flew by, my wife had been very distant to me when I got home and we hadn’t talked much, work was just the normal five days on and three days off which suited me fine, no more nights out, which also suited me, I could have three days off with my wife and could get things done on these days off because they were not always Saturday and Sunday when offices were closed, I had free days during the week if I needed, to see someone important or get my wife to the doctors or the local clinic if she needed to go!

Chapter 3

On about the 10^th January 2010 my wife Leslie became ill with some sort of stomach bug and was very sick for a couple of days, she couldn’t face food and was certainly not drinking enough, she was getting very dehydrated, I began to be very worried and I called the doctor out to see her a few times but the doctor kept on saying that there was not much he could do and said to keep her as hydrated as possible and try and get her to eat a little plain food. On the third and fourth days she seemed to recover a little and started to eat just a little bit but on the fifth day she was much worse in the morning, vomiting and crying out with pain and by the middle of the evening she was suffering with terrible pains in her stomach and it got slowly worse until I told her I was going to call an ambulance, Leslie was not convinced, and said no but the pain was getting worse and, in the end, she agreed to let me call.

They came fairly quickly, must have been all of 10 minutes, it was late at night so maybe things were a little quiet in the city, I let them in and showed them the way up to the bedroom, where they started to examine her straight away, blood pressure, pulse and many more tests, after a short time they told me that it would be best to get her to the Hospital and they told her that they would look after her, it seemed as though she was relieved at last to hear that and she relaxed a little, I quickly agreed and they started to prepare her for transfer, she was lifted carefully into a chair like contraption so they could carry her downstairs then suddenly one of them said, “her heart as stopped!” there was a flurry of activity and it all seemed like a bad dream, they managed to start her heart again and got her to the ambulance.

I locked up and turned the lights off, phoned her sister and my youngest son and set off for the hospital as quick as I could.

When I arrived at the hospital, my wife had already been taken in to the operating theatre and I was shown into a quiet waiting room, soon after my sister-in-law, her husband and daughter arrived and just after my youngest son Kevin and his wife. My eldest son, Philip, lived and worked in the US, I sent him a message and asked him to phone when he could, as his Mum was in hospital! We all sat there, not quite knowing what to do, we talked, trying to look on the bright side, the smokers among us went outside frequently, it was difficult to sit and wait not knowing what was going on, the time dragged but seemed to pass unnoticed and I have no real recollection of how long we were there, it all seems like a very bad dream now!

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity one of the doctors made an appearance, from the look on his face it wasn’t good news! He broke it to us as gently as he could but it was still much more shocking than we expected, we found out that Leslie’s heart had stopped again on the way to the hospital, they had managed again to restart it, but when they finally got to the hospital it had stopped again in the operating theatre and try as they might they couldn’t start it again, she was in a weakened state from her illness, her heart had suffered from the alcohol and cigarettes and it just gave up the fight.

I was devastated, it was difficult to understand what had happened, she had a stomach bug, that was all, how did that kill her? I had been used to her being ill, it had been going on for many years now but didn’t expect this, it was a huge shock to my system, I couldn’t think, I was smoking non-stop, I felt as though I needed a stiff drink but that was out of the question, my wife’s alcoholism had put me right off drinking, I couldn’t sit still and the strangest thing of all was that I felt dead inside, I couldn’t even cry! It was the worst day of my life by far.

I was so grateful for my family and friends, they gathered round me, they shepherded me home, they surrounded me with love and support, kept asking me who to call, who to contact, what could they do for me and without them I have no idea how I would have got through those first few days, there were lots of tears, none from me, but I oh so slowly I began to function again but only just!

I felt as though I was in a dream, nothing felt real, I couldn’t bring myself to organise anything in the house, there was a lot to do but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, I managed to take our dogs for a walk, I had to, they needed the exercise, but so did I, it was a little bit of a relief to get out of the house and a little fresh air in my lungs, I had been smoking non-stop since it happened and my throat felt like an old chimney. And the woods and the fields around the village where we lived allowed me the time to think and come to terms with what had happened. Slowly, slowly, I began to be able to do things and gradually I started to feel as though I could function again.

My friends were great and my boss and his management staff at the logistics company where I worked was very supportive, they didn’t allow me to feel sorry for myself, my boss, especially, was very sympathetic and helpful and told me not to worry, to take my time and not to come back to work until I was ready, the job would still be there, that was very reassuring.

I got on well at work and was liked by most of the drivers and staff, there were one or two that seemed a little unsociable but that is just life, I tried to treat everyone with respect and kindness, I had always had a good work ethic, whoever I worked for, I gained a lot of respect and many good friends and they helped me lot in my time of need.

I began to heal and to smile a little again. Walking the dogs turned out to very therapeutic along with the lovely countryside around where we lived but unfortunately these feelings were not to last for long!

Chapter 4

I suddenly found that I was all alone and I didn’t like it! I felt that before all this happened, I was quite alright with this life, OK it wasn’t ideal but it was, I thought, doable, even though it was just work, sleep and eat and of course keeping my wife safe with a roof over our heads and enough money to survive but our relationship was not what it had been, we had begun to drift apart, mainly because of her mental illness and the drinking but that was OK, I had made a promise when I married, ‘for better or for worse, richer or poorer!’. Now everything had changed and it was very unfamiliar and uncomfortable and I didn’t know quite what to make of it, I didn’t know what to do next.

There was another event that sort of took my mind of these immediate problems and that was the funeral, my wife wasn’t religious and wouldn’t have liked a priest to be present so I set about finding an alternative and by chance found a so-called humanist minister to officiate. I had found that I could buy a plot in the village cemetery, it was beautiful there and very peaceful, I had decided against cremation because I thought about joining her there when I passed.

Everything was arranged and many of our friends and family had said they were coming, and my eldest son had made it over from the states; I had decided to speak a Eulogy over the grave. Easier said than done, it took me some time to put together what I wanted to say but finally I settled on what I wanted to say. On the day I was extremely nervous but found the strength to step forward and deliver my thoughts, probably the most difficult thing I have ever had to do in public and I nearly didn’t make it to the end because the tears finally caught up with me.

We’d arranged to meet after, in the hall behind the pub and when I walked in someone put a pint of beer in my hand and after a few gulps I felt much better, everyone was great and I chatted with everyone and it revived me in a way I can’t describe but it was exactly what I needed.

I wasn’t quite alone at home, our two dogs and two cats were still there but that had produced a further problem, I couldn’t really go back to work as a trucker and leave my dogs at home with no-one to look after them, I couldn’t guarantee that I was going to make it home every day so who was going to feed them if I didn’t? There were quite a few of these basic problems but I couldn’t quite get my head to resolve them, I was still wandering around the house, not quite knowing what to do and on top of that I still couldn’t face going back to work and I couldn’t face the problems!

This went on for about three weeks and then suddenly, like a switch being flicked, I knew exactly what I was going to do, things had to change and I needed to get back to work if I was going to keep my sanity, so I started to formulate a plan.

I had gradually been sinking into a lethargic stupor and nothing was getting done at home. I had been worrying what to do about my dogs, they were getting old, ten years and very grey, so if I couldn’t look after them who would, I didn’t want to separate them because they were very close, I couldn’t lump them on someone else at their age because soon they would cost a fortune in vet bills to keep them going, the only other option was to put them down, this was an awful thing to think of, they were like family, my kids!

On the other hand, they had had a good life with lots of love and the future was nothing but change and maybe illness and that thought finally made my mind up and with a heavy heart I contacted a local vet who was willing to help.

It was a very sad day, the sky was dull and threatened rain, I was very close to losing my nerve but I had to resolve things myself from now on and I was convinced that this was the right thing to do and to have no regrets. Then another friend suddenly contacted me and asked where I had got our two cats, I asked why and he said that his girlfriend’s children dearly wanted a cat, so, I suggested to him that I had two, and that they needed a good home to go to, because I couldn’t really look after them any longer, and I asked him if they would be interested, he said he would get back to me! Two days later I had a visit from him, his girlfriend and the kids, they instantly fell in love with the cats and off they went, problem solved, they were spoiled rotten, bless them.

Finally, I felt that I was mostly in control again and rang my boss! I was ready to re-join the human race!

They were great at work, everyone was supportive, nobody overdid it and working was the best therapy and on top of that I didn’t have the same worries any more about home so I put my back into work and finally came alive again.

There was still one very tricky little problem, I was alone, going home at the end of a shift felt strange and lonely, it was a big house with four bedrooms and only me! No-one to talk to, I managed to go over and visit my sister-in-law on odd occasions to talk, watch TV, smoke, eat and generally hang out but I still missed company and needed more.

My sons had their own lives and families and friends, the rest of my family was scattered around the country and had their own lives and friends and I desperately needed someone to talk to!

I wasn’t the sort of person to frequent bars or night clubs; I had my friends at work but they were work mates and mostly married anyway and the conversation was different. I needed someone to share my inner thoughts with.

Someone suggested dating sites but I wasn’t looking for a permanent partner, just someone to talk to, I was a bit dubious but decided that I really had nothing to lose so I tried a few different ones, they were worse than useless, there were some answers but the ones that I liked didn’t want to know and the ones that were interested in me, good God, no way! no result! Tried a few more, still the same result, I found one nice girl and arranged to meet but it was called off at the last moment, back to square one!

It was about that time when things took a turn for the worst.

As if losing my wife and giving up my beloved dogs and my two cats, all within a few weeks, would be enough for most people, there was more to come.

My Dad had been ill for many years but had always made light of it, he used to say that there were people far worse off than he and he wasn’t done yet, he was always the optimist and made friends and spread laughter wherever he went.

His health though was not good, he had a weak heart, they had fitted a pacemaker only last year, he suffered from gout, he also suffered from Asthma and his bedside cabinet was like a chemist’s shop. On top of that he had a condition called Diverticulitis and it was causing concern, in fact he had been in recently and the doctors had said that he could do with an operation to sort it out, now the operation wasn’t serious and usually successful but Dad’s heart was a problem and they weren’t sure whether he could survive the anaesthetic, so they said that they wouldn’t do anything at present but they would keep an eye on it to make sure that it didn’t become more serious.

It was the first of March when news came to me, my father had been taken into hospital, he’d been steadily losing weight for more than a year, he’d lost his appetite, unusual for him as he always loved his food and it was now causing my Mum and the doctors some concern and had reached a stage where something had to be done, they had him in, put him through all the tests and then presented him with the worst of all choices, he could have the operation but there was no guarantee that he could survive the anaesthesia, the operation was simple and if successful would give him a new lease of life, the alternative was equally difficult, if he didn’t have the operation there was little chance he would see the summer!

Dad, being dad, said, ‘what have I got to lose? operate! at least that gives me almost a 50/50 chance’

So, they scheduled him to have the operation in a couple of days, meanwhile I had managed to get some time off from work and had travelled down from Cambridge to Redhill in Surrey, where the hospital was, I visited every day to see him and to reassure my Mum and sister who lived not far away in Horsham.

5^th March, a Friday, the day of the operation, we were all there at the hospital to see him that morning, everyone was trying to be cheerful and we were all cracking jokes and laughing at Dad as he continued to flirt and chat up the nurses, he loved to do that and made them laugh, he always liked to try and gently insult people, pull their legs and hope that they would insult him back, his motto was that good friends could always insult each other and get away with it, it made them trusted friends, and he was right.

I have continued this tradition as well and it has always worked very well for me.