52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to come, were ever like to have it.  Thus I was tossed betwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.

53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision, presented to me, I saw as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds: methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, by which I might enter therein: but none could I find for some time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass: Now the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me: The mountain signified the church of the living God: the sun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God the Father.  John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14.  But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for here was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.

56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should pray wherever I was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress; for as yet I knew not where I was.

57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such as these, whether I was elected?  But how, if the day of grace should now be past and gone?

58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had been taken away by the force and power thereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.  Rom. ix. 16.

59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no good could come of it.  Therefore this would stick with me, How can you tell that you are elected?  And what if you should not?  How then?

60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed?  It may be you are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I.  Why then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.

61.  By these things I was driven to my wits’ end, not knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.

62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, Look at the generations of old, and see; did ever any trust in God, and were confounded?

63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me: Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the end of the Revelations, and see if you can find, that there were ever any that trusted in the Lord, and were confounded.  So coming home, I presently went to my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.

64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me: Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew where it was, but they knew no such place.  At this I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).

65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocrypha books, I found it in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10.  This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word doth still at times shine before my face.

66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strength upon me, But how if the day of grace should be past and gone?  How if you have overstood the time of mercy?  Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if the day of grace is past?  And to aggravate my trouble, the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford, and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner!  Oh! that I had turned seven years ago!  It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heaven were lost.

68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce able to take one step more, just about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, Compel them to come in, that my house may be filled; and yet there is room.  Luke xiv. 22, 23.  These words, but especially those, And yet there is room, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did think of me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon record, that I might find help thereby against this vile temptation.  This I then verily believed.

69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.

70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth.  Dan. v. 18, 19.  Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forget all.  Which consideration was a great help to me.

71.  I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that Moses counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the clean, types of them that were the people of God; but the unclean, types of such as were the children of the wicked one.  Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed the cud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of God: they also parted the hoof.  I thought that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men.  And also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the hare; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thought the hare to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the swine was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this, I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world must be called by Him here; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in heaven above.

72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good?  None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven.  But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a Christian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one, Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!

73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein.  Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it?  Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.

74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be converted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage.  Psalm xvi.  But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto Him whom He would, and they came unto Him.  Mark iii. 13.

75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul.  That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called whom He would.  But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, Would I had been in their clothes, would I had been born Peter; would I had been born John; or, would I had been by and had heard Him when He called them, how would I have cried, O Lord, call me also!  But, oh!  I feared He would not call me.

76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I will cleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, for the Lord dwelleth in Zion.  Joel iii. 21.  These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before.  Now I evidently found, that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.

78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell.  If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas!  I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it.  All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn.

80.  These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was thrown down by the devil, and also so rent and torn by him, that he lay down and wallowed, foaming.  Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord, break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of iron asunder.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girded thee, though thou hast not known Me.  Isaiah xlv. 5.

82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them.  Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said!  I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.