“You still could not resist. You should not have called him, because you know what he wants. Get over the need to completely change your life. THERE IS NO WAY BACK ALREADY…”– Gods see, I can no longer read their books! They scare me! I’ll put them on the fares shelf and won’t touch anymore!

We came back to the castle, and I continue my sad chronicle of events …

Tol and Esa are rowing all the time, others try not to pay attention to them, but sometimes they start screaming so loudly that there is simply no strength to listen to these endless cries. They shut up only when Arel is near. But he is less and less likely to leave his rooms …

It's sad to look at him, he is completely passed.

It seems to me he doesn’t eat or drink at all, just pricking…

Carina had thrown him again and went to Upper…

I’ve faced her when she was living and she was determined.

“Buy, Vil’, – she said, – “I don’t know if we ever met again, maybe somewhere behind the walls of this castle. I’m living! I can’t help Arel. I can’t and I don’t want to. I won’t even try to help him – it’s hopeless and ungrateful work. Let him do whatever he wants! I’m sorry, Vil, don’t you think that I left him in a hard time, however… maybe it is

what it is. Well, alright! I have no shame, I need to think about myself… I don’t know how could I help him! How to help, if he doesn’t want this help! Do you know?”

I shook my head sadly…

“Than you have nothing to do here too,” – she said, – ‘Leave until they didn’t ask you again to do something vile!’

I answered:

‘Carina, I can’t! If I leave the castle, who will take care after people? About poor people living in this castle. Arel’s steward is a real sadist, he’s been serving here since dad was alive and the way he behaves with slaves…”

She looked at me so strangely, with surprise, that I blushed.

“Now, when Arel is out of business, I suppose I could change some rules…’

‘Good luck!’ – she threw, – “And… If you need something… My help…’

“Thank you, Carina! Gods bless you!’

She didn’t hear out. She didn’t say something more. She just left. And what about Arel he seemed not to be very upset. Moreover, during the dinner ignoring the food he said arrogantly: “She’ll back! She has nowhere to go!’

At that moment I wanted to punch his stupid head!

Of course, I don’t think Carina is a beautiful and innocent angel… After all I’ve known about her… I was so naïve and stupid! But still… Despite all that awful things she’d done…

She did it to save her life… And that justify her a little big in my eyes… but maybe more honestly… She yielded to the temptation… I could forgive her everything! And Arel must be happy that such a girl is beside! He must carry her in his arms…

No! I don’t want any more to write about them…

Enriki intermeddles in my business… Only the one should answer for the men! Enriki seems to be having more fun commanding them that actually doing them any good.

I’ve tolked about that with Arel.

“What kind of people’ – he asked.

I was always amazed at his ability to see no one around him! He lives in the world, where there are only Nikto, Lis, Enriki, Toland Sguint-Eye.

That’s all!

I reminded him that the refugees are trying to live in the streets ruined by Black Bay, and this is not easy in the circs of winter and epidemics!

Then he seems to have understood a bit what I mean …

I told him that more than half the people left us …

Some went back to the east, it is good that the "red" subsided a bit …

Others dispersed in the Lower City and settled on other streets …

But those that remained despite the difficulties, have already restored several houses and began to build new ones.

I said that Nikto helped me a lot by putting at my disposal his“unclean” half-breeds soldiers. They help a lot at the construction.

“At first I was very afraid of the epidemic”, I said, “especially after hearing that the half-breeds endlessly tell a story about a sick warrior. But it turned out that I was worried in vain, they were talking only about some very respected commander who was seriously ill, fatally ill … The tumor devoured him from within, causing incredible suffering and

agony, he knew that he did not have long to live, but he endured. Unable to fall asleep at night, he tried to escape from pain and heavy thoughts at the card table and alcohol …but it didn’t help much… His only desire was to die as befits a warrior by the sword, and not by illness in his bed

… "Unclean" half-breeds believe that only in this way can a warrior join the rest of the warriors in the next world …

But he was not lucky, because of the epidemic, all hostilities faded away. And he counted every day and only prayed to the Gods that they would enable him to die as a warrior and die by the sword! Now he didn’t go to bed at all, didn’t go to the bed at all, barely standing on his feet, put out his last strength, and was still waiting for deliverance, and prayed to the Gods …

I told this to Arel, and he suddenly looked up, and I saw in his eyes some glimmers of interest!

“And the deliverance has come!” he said suddenly.

“Yes! How do you know this!” I was immensely surprised.

“His God came down from heaven and struck him with a sword as a warrior,” said Arel …

I stood stunned:

“You … did you hear that story too?” – I asked, and he laughed, laughed badly, I always get scared when he laughs like that …

“I made it,” he said.

And I saw his eyes … Terrible eyes … Totally insane. I could not look into them, could not bear this look … He looks at you and as if through you. As if you are not, or you are transparent. His mother had the same look, and I wanted to leave as soon as possible … In the end, Arel has long been no matter what happens around …

“He took me through again, however … as always,” Arel said, probably to himself, because I did not understand his words … – Wil! – He called me.

And when I approached him again, he said:

“Wil, when I die, take the portrait of my mother off the wall, you know

… in my room … in the bedroom.” Take it off and open the cache, it is not locked … for a long time. There is a box … Take the letter, it will lie at the top … I put it on top of all the other documents and it is written in large letters Vil Luven … Do you understand what I'm saying?

“I understand, don't chew everything on me like that,” I said. – But why all this? What do you mean, you will not be? What kind of stupid thoughts do you have? “Shut up!” he said it harshly, in his command style, and for a moment it was the same Arel, and I belted up …

“Listen to me! Listen carefully! Take care of people, take care! People, the mass that everyone needs, while you do it, you will be useful.

Because someone who would do this work is needed. This is your chance to stay. Stay helpful!”

And it said Arel! Who has always been spat on people! I did not believe my ears! He told me to take good care of people! What happens to him? I would have been glad if he had said that before … But now … Now, it frightened me even more than his insane look!

Where? Where is the brilliant combination of mind, strength and feeling? Where is the power that terrified anyone who saw him … Who heard his voice … Who watched how simple he was holding, while still remaining inaccessible … Where is everything that I loved so much and why did I forgive everything?! Nothing left! He seemed sucked.

Apparently, all the troubles, which in many ways he himself brought down on his head, nevertheless did their dirty deed, and emptied him, broke it … It hurts me to look at it!

What should I do?

“In any case, I will not abandon people,” I said. «Whatever happens, I will try to take care of them …”

And Arel smiled (now it is so rare).

“Then I am calm for you,” he said, and without saying a word, he got up and left …

And I was scared … It is terrible for him, for the others … They may not be very good people, but they suffer from it. Suffer, I know for sure. I see! But before he was different! Arel was funny, I remember … He was pretty witty joking; and he was always flap about … He laughed at the jokes of others. And I so wanted to be with them! To be with them, sit with them at one table and laugh, not paying any attention to the rest. It seemed to me then that they are so friendly, they love each other so much … Real like-minded people! It seemed to me that they certainly never feel lonely, because they are together! I remember one night when they arrived at “Backara” … They sat down at their desk … Not far from the entrance … And I was sitting by the opposite wall and I saw them, although the tables in “Backara” were separated from each other by walls. I sat and looked at them, but they didn’t do anything special …

They just drank and talked … I didn’t hear what about, it was too noisy in the hall …Drunken visitors rattled around, music was playing… And I was sitting far away… Arel and others did not pay attention to anyone, communicating in their close circle. And I wanted so much to be noticed by them, I wanted them to pay attention to me …

I wanted it so much! I understood … Somewhere deep in my heart I understood … That this will not happen … That they are not interested in me… Absolutely… But I was driving these thoughts away … Eagerly staring into them… They were together … And I was alone! And I was a little sad about this …Although I'm used to the loneliness … And yet, when I looked at them, I was sad … I wanted to know what they were talking about …

They laughed all the time …

Now I understand that they laughed because they were probably nicely stoned … But then I did not understand this … And I wanted to carefree laugh with them!

They had fun with each other, I did not doubt it … It was clear …And further more… It was somehow felt from the inside … They were great … And I envied at them … I thought whether they themselves appreciated these feelings, or were already so used to them that they did not feel this happiness … Happiness to be truly united with someone …

And they were like a loadstone, as I also wanted to sit there!

My dream has come true…

I'm with them … But am I really happy?

They never accepted me into their circle … And was it?

There was no friendship and unity, kinship of souls and other things, all this is nonsense! My naive inventions!

My shattered illusions …

Chapter one

The Castle

“Give it to me!” Arel approached his master, Niktostepped back a few steps. “Give!”

“No!”

Arel howled, it was a mix of rage and despair. Again, with a jerk rushed to him so that Nikto had no time to step aside. Nikto hit him, lightly, not hard, more likely just for the sake of diversity, than pursuing any goal.

Arel stopped, freezed for a second, as if he did not immediately realize what had just happened to him. Then he collapsed on his knees and, bent over, crouching at Nikto's feet, knocked his forehead on the floor several times, well, that it was covered with carpets. Nikto tried to push him away from him, but Arel already grabbed him with an iron grip. Lame Nikto barely kept his feet. He hit Arel several times with his cane, already harder than before. Arelunhooked, remained lying on the floor.

“Give it to me,” he whined.

“Look at yourself! Where is your will?”

Arel raised his face to his tormentor, licked his dry lips:

“I am no longer a prince. I'm a slave! I have no will!”

Nikto with contempt and in some desperation shoved him with a boot in the face. Arel overturned backwards, but immediately sat down, again turning his gaze to such an unjustifiably cruel master.

“You're so pathetic”, said Nikto.

Arel was silent. In silence he demolished his derogatory look, the way Nikto looked at him coldly.And Nikto was looking at Arel's messy, tangled hair, at his dye-covered face, the skin on which again began to peel off. Arel was so thin that it was generally strange how he was able to raise his sword.

“Is my appearance depressing you?” Arel asked without reverting the eyes from those attentive, but such cold, bright eyes. “Well”, he shrugged resignedly. “After all, you did this to me, disfigured both my body and soul. I was free, and now I am not. You look at your work, and to see me like this – your payment for owning me!”

“I didn't want this,” answered Nikto. “I didn't want this,” he repeated, looking away, turning away. “Damn! I wanted to help you! And you die! You die on my eyes!”

“If you don’t give me your medicine, I’ll actually die! Why are you torturing me! Why are you so cruel?! What is my fault this time? What have I done wrong?!”

“I just wanted to help.” pronounced Nikto sad and thoughtful. His voice became a little softer, and Arelimmediately caught it, in a new desperate attempt he threw himself at his feet, from where only the forces were taken.

“It hurts,” he said plaintively.

“Arel, Arel, I do not know how to cure you!”

“You know!” growled Arel frustrated and already with malice. “Your medicines! Your drug! You’ve made me addicted! And now you don’t know! And what should I do? Go to Sguint-Eye?! But he has not the same, they do not bring me such relief! And the hungover is twice as strong!”

“I didn’t give you drugs,” Nobody faltered, picking up words. “I did not give you the drug in the true meaning of the word.”

Arel looked at him with great doubt.

“Don’t look at me as if I really am the fiend of hell, ruining your innocent soul! You're like your mother! Even worse, your illness began to manifest earlier and stronger! If I didn't give you these … These sedatives from time to time. That’s all! It’s the end! I delayed this moment as much as possible! But your madness is developing whith such a speed that it cannot be stopped!”

Arel covered his face with trembling hands:

“Like mom,” he whispered. I felt it … These parishes, from time to time

… Why didn’t you tell me before?”

“I did not want to scare you. However, I told you. I said that you were on the verge, but you, as always, did not listen to me. Did not want to hear. Like the others. I cannot get across you what I really want to say. I really don’t speak your language well, you don’t understand me!”

“We don’t understand each other, nobody understands anyone, and the reason is not the language.”

“Well, try to understand now. Try to understand that I don’t want something bad to you. On the contrary, I felt sorry for you, I softened your attacks, and you forgot how to suppress them on your own. You don't want to fight anymore, and I don't know how to get you out!”

“What if "black water"?”

“Not! You’ll never get off her! You aren’t a Lis, you really have little willpower, you easily get into everything you embrace. You easily become addicted.A couple of glasses and you cannot stop, a couple of shots and you're ready for anything to get more. "Water" will ruin you in a couple of weeks!”

“But why so?”

“Because your brain is week!”

“Help me! Find something if you really kind to me and don’t wish me anything bad as you say!”

“I will not prick you again, otherwise you’ll never get out. Alcohol will be sufficient.”

“I cannot anymore! I'm starting to puke. It’s the same with the food.”

“Da-a-amn, mad, my knowledge is not enough for you, this is a degeneration, and I am almost powerless.”

“But… but… do you still love me?’

“O-o-oh, what are you thinking about?!”

“Do you love?”– Arel whispered softly, and his voice trembled.

Nikto leaned toward him, hugged him, lifting him from the floor, putting him on the bed like a toy, like a big doll.

“Of course, I love you,” he said gently. “And I will fight for you! We will fight, right?”

Arel nodded not too confidently.

“Nik… Nik, if I become like her … Like my mother. If you don’t succeed,” – he swallowed, suddenly grabbing Nikto by the shoulders, glaring at him with crooked fingers.

“Not me, but us, you must help yourself too,” – Niktocorrected him.

“All right, if we don’t succeed, promise me… promise that you’ll kill me. I don’t want to live like her!”

Nikto bowed his head, hugging him:

“I promise!”

He slowly knelt on the floor in front of Arel so that their faces were about the same level. He looked into those crazy and distressing brown eyes. He hugged Arel, pressing his face against his trembling chest with intermittent breathing. Arel clutched his shoulders harder.

“I promise,” said Nikto. “Promise.”

Arel greedily pressed his lips to the coveted flask, with foreigh strong tart-smelling liquid. It didn’t cause vomiting, it didn’t stir up thoughts, it gave tranquility, all-consuming tranquility bordering on complete indifference.