The Cynic's Word Book

FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex.        The Maker, at Creation's birth,      With living things had stocked the earth.      From elephants to bats and 'snails,      They all were good, for all were males.      But when the Devil came and saw      He said: "By Thine eternal law      Of growth, maturity, decay,      These all must quickly pass away      And leave untenanted the earth      Unless Thou dost establish birth" —      Then tucked his head beneath his wing      To laugh – he had no sleeve – the thing      With deviltry did so accord,      That he'd suggested to the Lord.      The Master pondered this advice,      Then shook and threw the fateful dice      Wherewith all matters here below      Are ordered, and observed the throw;      Then bent His head in awful state,      Confirming the decree of Fate.      From every part of earth anew      The conscious dust consenting flew,      While rivers from their courses rolled      To make it plastic for the mould.      Enough collected (but no more,      For niggard Nature hoards her store)      He kneaded it to flexile clay,      While Nick unseen threw some away.      And then the various forms He cast,      Gross organs first and fine the last;      No one at once evolved, but all      By even touches grew and small      Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade,      To match all living things, He'd made      Females, complete in all their parts      Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.      "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed      I 'll fetch the very hearts they need" —      So flew to Hell and soon brought back      The number needed, in a sack.      That night earth rang with sounds of strife —      Ten million males had each a wife;      That night sweet Peace her pinions spread      O'er Hell – ten million devils dead!          G.J.