I.
JOSH ON ICE

Having herd mutch sed about skating parks, and the grate amount ov helth and muscle they woz imparting tew the present generashun at a slite advanse from fust cost, i bought a ticket and went within the fense.

I found the ice in a slippery condishun, covering about 5 akers ov artyfishall water, which waz owned bi a stock company, and froze tew order.

Upon one side ov the pond waz erekted little grosery buildings, where the wimmin sot on benches while the fellers (kivvered with blushes) hitched the magick iron tew their feet.

It waz a most exsiting scene: the sun waz in the skey – and the wind waz in the air – and the birds were in the South – and the snow waz on the ground – and the ice lay shivering with a bad kold – and angells (ov both genders) flucktuated past me pro and con, 2 and fro, here a littl and thare a good deal.

It waz a most exsiting scene; I wanted tew holler "Bully" or lay down and rool over.

But i kept in, and aked with glory.

Helth waz piktured on menny a nobell brow. Az the femail angells put out ov the pond, side by side with the male angells, it waz the most powerfull scene i ever stood behind.

The long red tape from their necks swum in the breeze, and the feathers in their jockeys fluttered in the breeze, and other things (tew muteh to menshun) fluttered in the breeze.

I don't think i ever waz more crazy before in mi life – on ice.

For 2 long hours i stood and gazed with dum exsitement.

I felt like a kanall hoss turned suddinly out to grass.

I didn't kno how tew proceed.

Az one ov the angells, more sudden than all the rest, cum flying down the trak, 3 lengths ahed ov her male angell, awl eyes ware gorging with her heavenly bust ov speed; she seemed tew hav cut luce from earth, and waz bound South, for the Cape ov Good Hope, when awl tew onst, with gorgous swoop terriffick, down-crumbling into a limpid heap she went with squeak terriffick, a living lovely mass ov disastrous skirt and tapring ankle.

Awl gathered around the bursted angell; but lo! in a minnitt's space, her wings agin was plumed, and evry feather waz in its lawfal plase; and on she fled laffing like wine thru its buteous blushes.

I had saw enuff – more happyness than belonged tew me – and az i sloly wended back tew mi home at the tavern i felt – good.

II.
SUM NATRAL HISTORY

Thare iz no tuition so cheap and so handy az natral history.

It prevails evrywhare; the cockroach and the behomath are built out ov it, the lizard and the elephant are full ov it, it is the monkey's right bower, and the kangaroo's best jump.

The grass, the dandelion and the spinnage are its children; it is the language ov creeping things, the majesta ov the mountin, the soul ov the talking brook, and the inspiration ov the lambkin's tail.

Natral history iz dogg cheap.

To open our eyes, and think while we are looking iz aul the capital necessary for the naturalizing bizzness.

Who wouldn't be a naturalizer, when natur makes such cheap sacrifices upon aul her alters, and holds the insense under our very nozes?

This iz what ails me this morning, tew study the light-hearted grasshopper, the relentless bed-bugger, and the elastick flea.

The Bible sez, "The grasshopper is a burden," and i never knu the Bible tew say anything that warnt so.

When the grasshop begins tew liv they are verry small, but in a little while thare gits tew be plenty ov them.

They only liv one year at once, and then go back, and begin agin.

Their best gait iz a hop, and with the wind on their quarters they can make sum good time.

They are a sure krop to raize, but sum years they raize more than others. I hav seen sum fields so full ov them that you couldn't stick another grasshopper in, unless you sharpened him off tew a pint.

When they git so very plenty, they are very apt tew want tew start, and then they bekum a traveling famine, and leave the road they take az barren az the inside ov a country church during a week day.

Grasshoppers don't seem tew be acktually necesary for our happiness, but they may be; we don't even know what we want most.

I don't want grasshops tew giv entirely out, not if they are a blessing, but i hav thought (to myself) if they would let the grass and cornstalks be, and pitch onto the burdoks and Canada thissells, i would bet a few dollars on the thissells, jist tew encourage the fight, and wouldn't care a cuss if they both got finally licked.

But mi best judgment would be tew bet on the grasshops.

I never see ennybody yet but what despised Bed Bugs. They are the meanest ov aul crawling, creeping, hopping, or biteing things.

They dassent tackle a man bi dalite, but sneak in, after dark, and chaw him while he iz fast asleep.

A musketo will fight you in broad dalite, at short range, and giv you a chance tew knock in hiz sides – the flea iz a game bugg, and will make a dash at you even in Broadway – but the bed-bugg iz a garroter, who waits till you strip, and then picks out a mellow place tew eat you.

If i was ever in the habit ov swearing, i wouldn't hesitate to damn a bed bugg right tew hiz face.

Bed bugs are uncommon smart in a small way; one pair ov them will stock a hair mattrass in 2 weeks, with bugs enuff tew last a small family a whole year.

It don't do enny good to pray when bed bugs are in season; the only way tew git rid ov them iz tew bile up the whole bed in aqua fortis, and then heave it away and buy a new one.

Bed buggs, when they hav grone aul they intend to, are about the size ov a bluejay's eye, and hav a brown complexion, and when they start out to garrote are az thin az a grease spot, but when they git thru garroting they are swelled up like a blister.

It takes them 3 days tew git the swelling out ov them.

If bed buggs have enny destiny to fill, it must be their stummuks; but it seems tew me that they must hav bin made by acksident, jist az slivvers are, tew stick into sumboddy.

If they waz got up for sum wise purpose, they must hav took the wrong road, for there kant be enny wisdum in chawing a man aul night long, and raising a family, besides, tew foller the same trade.

If thare iz sum wisdum in aul this, I hope the bed buggs will chaw them folks who kan see it, and leave me be, bekause i am one ov the hereticks.

The smallest animal ov the brute creashun, and the most pesky, iz the Flea.

They are about the bigness ov an onion seed, and shine like a bran new shot.

They spring from low places, and kan spring further and faster than enny ov the bug-brutes.

They bite wuss than the musketoze, for they bite on a run; one flea will go aul over a man's subburbs in 2 minnits, and leave him az freckled az the meazels.

It iz impossible to do ennything well with a flea on you, except sware, and fleas aint afraid ov that; the only way iz tew quit bizzness ov aul kinds and hunt for the flea, and when you have found him, he ain't thare. Thiz iz one ov the flea mysterys, the fackulty they hav ov being entirely lost jist as soon as you hav found them.

I don't suppose thare iz ever killed, on an average, during enny one year, more than 16 fleas, in the whole ov the United States ov America, unless thare iz a cazualty ov sum kind. Once in a while thare iz a dogg gits drowned sudden, and then thare may be a few fleas lost.

They are about az hard to kill az a flaxseed iz, and if you don't mash them up az fine az ground pepper they will start bizzness agin, on a smaller kapital, jist az pestiverous az ever.

Thare iz lots ov people who have never seen a flea, and it takes a pretty smart man tew see one ennyhow; they don't stay long in a place.

If you ever ketch a flea, kill him before you do ennything else; for if you put it oph 2 minnits, it may be too late.

Menny a flea haz past away forever in less than 2 minnits.

III.
LIVE YANKEES

Live Yankees are chuck full of karakter and sissing hot with enterprize and curiosty.

In bild we find them az lean az a hunter's dorg, with a parched countenance, reddy for a grin, or for a sorrow; ov elaastick step: thortful, but not abstrakted; pashunt, bekauze cunnin; ever watchful; slo to anger; avoiding a fight; but rezolute at bay.

In dress alwuz slik, but not stuck up; their harness alwuz betrays them wherever they go.

The oil ov their langwidge iz their dezire tew pleze, and their greezy words foreshadder a proffit.

They are natral mechanicks; the histry ov man's necessitys iz the histry ov their invenshuns.

The Live Yankee haz no hum; hiz luv ov invenshun breeds a luv ov change, and wharever a human trail shows itself we find him pantin on the trak.

He never gits sick at the stummuk in a furrin land, or grows sentermental; the buty ov a river tew him iz its capacity for a steambote; its sloping banks checker into bildin lots, and its poetry waters might do the drudgery ov a cottin mill.

He looks at a marble pyramid, guesses at its height, calkulates the stone by the perch, and sells the magnifisent relick in Boston at a proffit.

He climbs the Alpin hights, crossed by conkerin heroes, and iz struk with the proprierty ov tunneling it.

He sits, cross-legged, beneath the sheltring vine and listens to the oneazy sea, sees the warm promise ov the grape, and forgettin the holy memrys ov the land ov song, grinds the smilin vintage into wine and maiks a happy bargin.

You can meet him in Constanternopel, makin up in grimace what he lacks in langwidge, spreadin a plaster with hiz tounge, for the man ov Mahomet.

Go where you will, from the numb palsied North tew the swetting limberness ov the South, from the top ov earth's mornin tew half past eleven at night, and the everlastin Yankee you will find, either vehement in an argue, or purswazive in a swop.

Hiz religion iz praktikal; he mourns over the heathen, and iz reddy tew save them by the job.

He luvs liberty with a red pepper enthuziasm, and fully beleafs Nu England kan whip the universe.

If the phlegmatick Englishman brags about roast beef and hiz ansesters, Jonathan haz a pumkin pie and a grandpop tew match them.

If the Frenchman grows crazy over a frigazee ov frog's hind legs, Jonathan pulls out a donut and a Rhode Island greening.

If the dusky Italian talks about the mad vomits ov Vgesuvius, Jonathan turns in the water power ov Niagara.

In argument alwuz ernest, and in reazoning alwuz specius, this progressive phenomena tramps the world with the skeleton ov a pattent right in hiz carpet bag, and, in his ever open hand and face a pleasant "Heow air yer?"

If you would save your pride from bein sandpapered, risk it not in a dicker with Jonathan.

Hiz razor is the true Damascus, strapped on the wand ov Midas for a golden harvest; hiz sanctity iz often shrewdness, and hiz sweet savor iz often the reflekted halo ov the comin shillin.

Constitushunaly and by edukashun honest, he iz alwuz reddy tew cry for the deeds dun in the boddy; hiz hospitalitys and charities are cerimonial dutys, and if hiz religion iz sometimes only the severitys ov a sabbath, it iz bekauze hiz bias iz the thursting impulse ov a creatin genius chained tew the more sordid pashun for lucre.